August 27th, 2010 by David Bentley

Perhaps you have seen some of Dove’s beauty videos. I like these videos that highlight the impact of the media on girls’ self-esteem. Though it is rarely spoken, in my work I also sense a great deal of pain and anxiety for women centered on beauty. A woman’s relational history is often a series of emotional wounds upon her self-image beginning in childhood. If her marriage is not going well she may (often mistakenly) blame her appearance–”he’s not attracted to me anymore.” As one of the Dove videos so aptly says, “Amy can name 12 things wrong with her appearance… He can’t name one.”

Research shows that women are much more critical of their appearance than men. Up to 80% of women are dissatisfied with their mirror’s reflection. Women are judged on their appearance more than men, and standards of female beauty are considerably higher. Women are continually bombarded with images of “ideal” beauty. Exposure to those images of female beauty in the media make exceptional looks seem normal and anything short of perfection unacceptable. It has been estimated that young women now see more images of outstandingly beautiful women in one day than their mothers saw throughout their entire adolescence.

You might be interested to know that, in my experience, stunning women are no more self-confident or relationally at peace than others. The beauty industry wouldn’t want you to know that because it implies the solution to better relationships is not to be found through beauty products and cosmetic surgery (or even favorable genetics for that matter). Women want their beauty to be noticed but also don’t want love that is conditional upon their beauty. That’s not really love. We men are notorious for withholding our words. So guys, let your wife know often that you see and appreciate her beauty–and not just when you want something. If your young daughter happens to overhear you, all the better.

Avoiding Divorce, Male-Friendly Counseling, MARRIAGE, Marriage Education, MEN, Winning Your Wife Back, WOMEN

August 20th, 2010 by David Bentley

Not surprisingly, many couples beginning counseling have previously established ineffective communication patterns. Discussions may quickly escalate into arguments or else they completely shut down because the partners are not feeling heard, understood or valued by one another. So in counseling, we often spend at least one session working on improving their communication skills.

Healthy communication is a critical foundation for all other work we will do regardless of the unique circumstances each couple is dealing with. It is exciting for me to see how quickly new communication skills alone can bring some significant level of relief to a couple.

Because this has potential to benefit many people, I am offering a Saturday workshop teaching these same communication skills in a group format. Attendees will not be put on the spot to introduce themselves or discuss their relationship. This workshop also creates an opportunity for couples considering counseling to first meet me and get a sense if they might be comfortable working with me further–and simultaneously develop skills they can use immediately to improve their relationship.

The next workshop is scheduled for Saturday, September 11th, 2010 from 3-4:30PM at Douglas County’s Highlands Ranch Library, meeting room Shea B.  The address is 9292 Ridgeline Blvd., Highlands Ranch, CO 80129. Please call or email me with any questions about the workshop and not the library as they will not be able to answer your questions. This same workshop will be repeated again on October 9th from 3-4:30PM at the same location.

The cost of this workshop is $20 per couple (or individual if attending without your partner) and you can register and prepay using major credit or debit cards via PayPal (a PayPal account is not required) here. I hope to see you there.

9/11/2010 Workshop $20.00 10/9/2010 Workshop $20.00

August 13th, 2010 by David Bentley

Depression and relational problems sometimes occur together, with one or both partners in a troubled marriage meeting the diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder. When this is the case I believe it is essential to acknowledge that fact and discuss the implications to therapy.

One partner’s depression can lead to marital dissatisfaction or, alternatively, marital dissatisfaction can lead to depression.  The two problems can become so entangled that its challenging to distinguish one from the other, even for the depressed client. The depressed client may blame all of their unhappy feelings on their spouse and an unhappy marriage–when in fact their own depression may be contributing to their marital problems.

Depression can have many dimensions including: saddness, pessimism, past failure, guilty feelings, feelings of being punished, self-dislike, self-criticalness, suicidal thoughts or wishes, crying, agitation, loss of interest, indecisiveness, worthlessness, loss of energy, changes in sleeping pattern, irritability, changes in appetite, concentration difficulty, tiredness or fatigue, and loss of interest in sex. If you believe you may be suffering from depression I can provide a quick assessment so we can quantify and discuss the extent of those feelings and use that information as the basis for moving forward. I will take the time to explain to you what research has demonstrated to be the most effective treatment for clinical depression.

Should you choose couple or individual therapy? It is intuitive that if you can improve the depression you can also improve the marriage. Research indicates that both individual therapy and couple therapy can be similarly effective in treating depression. However, couple therapy better reduces “relationship distress.”

I have observed a number of common “depressed client” behaviors that can prove detrimental to counseling outcome.  It is helpful for both the depressed client and their partner to be aware of these possibilities so they might be avoided.

Depressed clients may initially arrive in my office with a greater sense of hopelessness. Perhaps, as a result, these clients are less likely to do the work necessary to make their marriage improve. After all, why go to the effort of changing if you think things aren’t going to get better? Depressed clients are also less likely to stay in therapy long enough to benefit. They may only come to 2 or 3 sessions before they consider quitting. Small improvements–foundational to progress–may go unnoticed by them, which can be especially discouraging to their partner who has begun investing in the relationship. The depressed client may be unable to see or acknowledge anything positive about their partner–and they may take great offense when I affirm and reinforce the positives I observe. The depressed client may assume the role of the victim who seems unable even to think through and articulate specific changes they desire in their relationship. A depressed client might desire me to align with them against their partner and then discredit me when I avoid doing so for therapeutic reasons. Their partner’s improvements, if noticed, may be rejected as not good enough or the depressed client may create a “moving target” that their partner just can not keep up with. So watch carefully for these and similar behaviors that may be driven by depression. As they say, forewarned is forearmed.

What counsel do I have for the other partner? I would challenge you to be understanding and unconditionally accepting–of their depression and all. This kind of response will perhaps be the most healing thing you can do for them. I understand this is the point where keeping our promises can become really difficult. It seems like your depressed partner isn’t holding up their end of the deal. Unfortunately they just can’t do that right now, just as if they’ve had an incapacitating physical illness or injury.

Avoiding Divorce, Depression, Encouragement, Marital Satisfaction, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling

April 12th, 2010 by David Bentley

I occasionally use movies as part of my counseling practice. Movies can help put people at ease with the whole counseling process. Good movies capture some of the most profound truths and insights about life. They can be powerfully instructive, demonstrating skills I’m trying to teach. Movies can draw people out of themselves and help me connect with clients at the deepest levels and understand them better. Movies touch people, not just cognitively, but also at a “heart” level—and that is often a necessary prerequisite to authentic life change. Sometimes I show movie clips during sessions and other times I prescribe a specific movie to watch at home and subsequently discuss together. This is a fun aspect of what I do because most people love good stories. I sometimes surprise clients by revealing things they may have missed in a casual viewing of a movie that has direct bearing on their own life circumstances and choices.

Let me prescribe two right now. In my experience, many people visiting my website and considering marriage counseling are struggling with discouragement. They are not sure that anything they might do can change the downward trajectory of their marriage. Why spend the money, time and energy in counseling if it’s not going to make any difference? It is therefore critical to build hope.

For a woman struggling with discouragement I would highly recommend watching Enchanted April. Set in the 1920’s, two English ladies who are both desperately unhappy in their marriages set out to rent an Italian chateau on the Mediterranean for the entire month of April. Intent on escaping gloomy London and their men, they share their “castle” with two other women, and this stunningly beautiful and perhaps magical location immediately begins to work an inner transformation of each person. Hope quickly blossoms in the gardens of the chateau. As you watch, pay close attention to what is key to the dramatic turnaround in their relationships because it is not mere Hollywood fluff. An important relational truth can be discovered here. But I do not wish to spoil it for you so rent the movie.

For men struggling with discouragement I have to recommend Fireproof. I cannot think of another movie that more realistically portrays a man’s struggle to win back his wife. Firefighter Caleb Holt, whose marriage has declined to the brink of divorce, is slowly transformed from a guy who half-heartedly begins to pursue his distancing wife, into a man who has truly learned to love his wife well–in spite of her repeatedly rejecting his gestures and her budding involvement with another man. Once again, this movie not only inspires hope in the viewer but also reveals a relational truth and a way to potentially move forward in one’s own marriage.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Avoiding Divorce, Cinematherapy, Encouragement, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling, MEN, Winning Your Wife Back, WOMEN

April 1st, 2010 by David Bentley

What can you do when you want to work to save or improve your marriage, but your partner resists? You may be still living together or separated. Your partner may reject the notion of getting outside help from a marriage counselor. Or they may have lost hope and already be living with one foot outside of the marriage. Your partner may be afraid to make themselves vulnerable one more time or they may be doubtful it is worth the effort and risk and tears.

Some of the people that contact me feel like they’ve waited too long to get help. Their partner has now checked out emotionally and/or physically and has said they are ready to end the marriage. Their partner no longer wants to talk about the relationship. That’s exactly what it takes to get many of us to take action and seek help. That is unfortunate but it’s reality.

The good news here is that I don’t necessarily need both partners present or participating in marriage counseling to help the marriage. One willing partner can initiate changes that improve the marriage for both of you. When one partner begins to adopt healthier attitudes and behaviors, that can appear very attractive to the other, spark new hope for the future, and draw the ambivalent or reluctant partner back in. In this way, even a painful separation might ultimately prove to be constructive and healing.

Individual changes do not occur in isolation: your positive changes powerfully impact the other–potentially triggering a spiral of other positive changes in both of you. Some categories include: an unfaithful partner repenting and becoming fully transparent; an angry partner getting help to get a handle on their rage; a controlling partner loosening their grip; a critical partner becoming more accepting and noticing the good in their spouse; a jealous partner offering freedom and separateness; a distant partner becoming more connected and engaged; an addicted partner getting the appropriate assistance; and an insensitive partner learning to listen, validate and value the other. Your taking action signals to your spouse that something new is happening and that raises hope.

Or perhaps, from your perspective, it’s your spouse who needs to make changes because they are the one that’s been unfaithful, angry, controlling, critical, jealous, distant, addicted or insensitive, etc. Even in this case there may be changes you can make–that you have not yet considered–that will set the stage for, and be a catalyst for, your spouse’s growth in those areas.

So if you are feeling alone in your desire to transform your marriage, I encourage you to not lose hope and to not give up yet. It would certainly be easier to just give up and that may be the temptation. But there is much at stake.

Can your relationship be saved if your partner is not willing to participate in marriage counseling? There are no guarantees. But I suspect you will discover that the work we will be doing and the changes you will be making in your life are all things that will greatly benefit you regardless of the ultimate outcome of the marriage. This individual work will be an important investment in yourself and your future–which might also surprise both of you and save your marriage.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Avoiding Divorce, Considering Divorce, Encouragement, Hope, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling, Winning Your Wife Back

March 17th, 2010 by David Bentley

Potential clients are curious what to expect from me. Some have had a negative experience with another therapist and are afraid of a repeat. This may be their last chance to salvage their marriage and they want to pick the right counselor. I understand that and I take that responsibility seriously. Below I have outlined some of the basics you might expect with me.

First, you need to understand that most of the change in your marriage will occur outside of counseling sessions. Some clients hope counseling is like a pill they take once a week and then, almost magically, symptoms will disappear. But counseling is more like diet or exercise–you have to do the work every day and, when you do, things will gradually improve.

I limit my practice to only about a dozen client couples at a time. My field of work is challenging and I’m not comfortable with an assembly line approach because every couple is unique in the problems they are dealing with. However, I do find one common denominator to almost all problems couples have: troubled marriages usually exhibit weaknesses in love.

So I offer my clients the following helpful definition of love: love is being willing to value your partner and being unwilling to devalue them. Generally, troubled marriages are those in which each person devalues their partner and fails to seize opportunities to show and tell the other how much they are valued. Nearly everything we think, say or do, in some way either serves to value or devalue our spouse. Things like a judgmental tone of voice or facial expression, leaving our dirty socks on the floor, viewing pornograpy, thinking negatively about our spouse, giving innappropriate attention to others of the opposite sex can all be examples of devaluing our partner. Things like giving compliments, cooking dinner, cleaning up the house, arranging a night out together, reading to the kids and putting them to bed, washing our partner’s car, and initiating sexual intimacy can be examples of valuing our partner. Your work then is to begin to value your partner more and to devalue them less. I help clients to see new ways to meaningfully value their partner and to recognize ways they may be devaluing them without even realizing it.

Clients sometimes tell me, “I’m not sure I love my spouse anymore.” Honestly I’m not too worried about that. People’s feelings change every day. As you each work to change your thoughts, behaviors, and words, your feelings will gradually begin to change also.

The counseling session is not a place for partner bashing. In fact, violators of this rule will be excused from the session. Remember, we are working to avoid devaluing each other! Related to this point, neither will we go around in circles reliving the same old arguments that never die. I’m not here to referee or to judge who is right or wrong. But what I will do instead is help each of you find a healthier way to ask for what you want and need in ways that are not devaluing.

Most people come into my office convinced things will never get better and that counseling won’t help. Ironically, this lack of hope or discouragement is exactly what keeps people from doing the work necessary to save their marriage. Discouragement is the enemy of marriage counseling. I often need to instill hope so that couples have enough to do the work that will save their marriage.

Clients usually arrive with a list of many ways their partner needs to change. They are less aware of how their own behaviors are impacting the marrige. But we can’t change someone else. We can only change ourselves. Each waits for the other person to make the first move. And that’s why marriages get stuck. So I will ask you to begin making positive changes first, regardless of what your partner is or is not doing. That might not sound fair, but it works. One person’s change affects the other and soon a spiral of positive change occurs for both partners.

Beyond these basics, my approach to working with each couple will vary according to their unique circumstances. Most of my energy is spent helping couples get “unstuck” and that’s where extensive training, experience and certain intangibles are brought to bear to help you move in new and healthier directions.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Avoiding Divorce, Encouragement, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling

March 15th, 2010 by David Bentley

I hear this concern quite often in my counseling work: “We don’t have anything to talk about anymore.” When I hear that I wonder if that’s really true or if the couple has just worn out a handful of topics they’ve been chatting about for years. Possibly much of their daily conversation centers around one of those irresolvable conflicts that they just can’t accept and be okay with. Or it’s maybe about the same old work- or home-related struggles and frustrations day after day. Well then perhaps it’s time to put some effort in and be creative (and I must admit this applies to me as much as anyone else!).

Here’s an idea: Plan a dinner date for the two of you. Before you go out, write conversation starting questions on strips of paper and place them in a plastic bag. When you get to the restaurant, instead of staring silently and uncomfortably at each other, take turns drawing a question out of the bag. Then read the question aloud and begin to discuss it. Possible questions might include:

As a child what was your idea of fun? What social issue fires you up? What’s your all-time favorite town or city? What’s your favorite holiday tradition? What’s your favorite season of the year? What’s something you’ve done that surprised even you? How have your priorities changed over time? What was an act of kindness you offered or received? Have you ever had a premonition that actually came true? If you could go back in time, what year would you visit? If you could take an early retirement, what would you do? If you had the chance to go anywhere for dinner tomorrow, where would you go? If you were assured you would not fail, what endeavor would you attempt? How would you describe the perfect day? What do you think is the greatest problem of the human race? For many more ideas see Garry Poole’s The Complete Book of Questions.

Now, most importantly, as you discuss these topics, pay attention to the level of intimacy you each are willing to risk. In his book, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell identifies 5 increasing levels of communication intimacy: cliché communication (the autumn leaves are colorful); reporting the facts about others (my father enjoyed the Fall season); my idea and judgments (I like the Fall season best); my feelings and emotions (I loved going to the orchard in October and getting fresh apple cider and doughnuts); and, finally, complete emotional and personal truthful communication (My parents would rake the piles of fallen leaves out to the ditch and burn them there. Whenever I smell that smoke now it makes me think of comfort and warmth and family. I especially miss my parent’s cabin on the lake in Michigan at that time of the year). Much of our communication remains fairly superficial, so try going deeper to build emotional intimacy. Also, to help your partner go a level or two deeper, practice reflecting what they’ve said and the feeling behind it–then watch what happens.

Guys—just so you know—going deep can prove to be an aphrodisiac to your wife. But give her this intimacy because your wife needs it—not merely so you can have your way with her.

Communication Skills, Emotional Intimacy, Encouragement, Male-Friendly Counseling, Marital Satisfaction, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling, Marriage Education, Marriage Enrichment, MEN, Passion, SEXUALITY, WOMEN

February 26th, 2010 by David Bentley

Books have been written about the difficulty of maintaining passion in long-term, committed relationships. In a blossoming relationship, the very fact that we are uncertain whether the other person will ultimately choose or reject us, heats things up. It seems we begin our relationships with passion but then choose the security of marriage and family. Passion and security are seen as being all but incompatible. And so, we are told, it is normal for our passion to fade.

Must we settle for this sad fate? I believe a bit of mystery in our marriages can go a long way toward resurrecting that passion. Mystery is all about what remains unsaid and unseen—it nudges us off balance, demands our attention and captures our imagination. What would Christmas be without colorful wrapping paper concealing the presents under the tree? Wondering what’s within lasts longer and can actually be as exciting as the gift itself. Face it—we were designed for mystery.

Stirring mystery perhaps comes more naturally for women—they are inherently puzzling to men! The female form itself is… different. Women think differently and are more driven by emotions while men like to think of themselves as being rational and logical. Men are drawn to mystery in the same way women want romance. But men find it unsettling and are compelled to dissect, analyze, and eliminate it. When a man asks, ”How am I supposed to read your mind?” what he means is, “You’re not behaving like a guy.” Thank goodness. When a man attempts to discourage mystery, the woman must persist for the sake of their relationship. At times I encourage men to just stand in awe of that and also for them to bring some mystery of their own into their marriage. It gets attention unlike anything else and resuscitates new life into our repetitive daily routines. And I believe it can restore passion.

But has mystery become a lost art? Our culture has evolved to favor crude exposure over subtle allure and no word seems to go unspoken or unwritten (consider the Facebook phenomenon). How then can we stir mystery? For me to advise a woman on this topic would be akin to my teaching a bear how to live in the woods, so I won’t even attempt that. But I will make some general observations for the sake of encouragement.

 Mystery requires a certain degree of separateness, individuality, difference, paradox, uncontrollability, unpredictability, cunning, surprise, and change. Mystery stands distinct from the common, ordinary, and every day. It can involve something as basic as the selection of one’s clothing or a new hairstyle. Or it can be as complex as suddenly changing our relationship roles from pursuer to distancer, or vice versa. Lastly I’d like to emphasize that mystery is not about keeping secrets from your spouse. I’d rather think of it as the art of gift wrapping.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Encouragement, Marital Satisfaction, MARRIAGE, Marriage Enrichment, MEN, Mystery, Passion, Restoring Passion, WOMEN

February 25th, 2010 by David Bentley

• Remarriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages.

• Men, women and children all fare better in intact first marriages—in terms of health, wealth, happiness, and success.

• Divorce cuts a person’s wealth—not by half as we might expect, but by an average of 77%.

• Only 20% of people feel their lives actually improved following their divorce.

• If you have children, consider that adult children of divorce experience twice the rate of divorce than adult children from intact families.

• Marriages often get better—even on their own—after only a few years time. This is true even for those originally scoring lowest in marital satisfaction. Many of these subsequently reported the highest levels of marital satisfaction, not knowing what exactly changed, and not even remembering that they once felt things were so bad.

• Even with a new marriage you will eventually have to figure out how to make marriage work—and you might as well do that now without the added baggage of exes, step kids, child support and visitation.

• 55-60% of marriages that end in divorce fall in the category of “good enough” marriages—those marriages functioning well just a year prior to the divorce.

• Staying in your marriage does not have to mean being miserable. That is where marriage counseling comes in.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Avoiding Divorce, Considering Divorce, Marriage Benefits, Marriage Counseling

February 25th, 2010 by David Bentley

Before you select any marriage counselor you should first pin candidates down on their values regarding marriage and divorce. Values can vary widely. Some consider themselves freedom fighters — leaning toward liberating individuals from oppressive moral codes and family structures. Others will claim to be value neutral relative to marriage and divorce. If this is the case, then beware that neutrality can be inherently undermining to marital commitment and tend to align the counselor with the less committed spouse (so much for neutrality).

I am strongly pro-marriage. I don’t harbor illusions that divorce is 100% avoidable, particularly where there exists abuse and danger for a spouse or children. But, short of that my values dictate that I will work to support the possibility that you can save your marriage. I will work with that attitude until I’m told to stop.

© 2010 David Bentley, MA, NCC

Avoiding Divorce, Considering Divorce, Encouragement, MARRIAGE, Marriage Counseling